curse??

    I used to think of myself as a smart person. I have always believed that we are the inventors of our destiny. I was strong enough to rebel and get out of 13 years marriage with my four kids, leaving behind the luxurious life I used to have with my ex.

   It was not more than a prison to my saul and mind. He used to control and dominate every single movement I did. He tried to filtrate my thoughts and attitudes. He forced me to put on the veil since day one in our marriage. And above all, he used to cheat on me, all the time.

   I got married at the age of seventeen. Maybe that's why I was so vulnerable to his emotional abuse. I used to take it all. " this is my life," I told myself. Never imagined I would escape, especially when there were kids involved.

   I hit the bottom in that relationship after giving birth to my fourth child. I was thirty years old. I decided, back then,  that I am not growing old with that man. " It is just a phrase in my life in which I have to live with him to raise up the children," I told my self.

   I calculated the years I had to stay with him till I can run for my life. As financial independence is the key for freedom, I decided to have a job.

    Looking at myself at the age of thirty,graduated nine years ago and no work experience at all, I decided to go for studying Translation to refresh my linguistic and studying skills. That's when the real drama started.
  
    He opposed me strongly, tortured me and tried his best to put obstacles  in my way.I struggled  harder and harder to stand for my self as well as keeping the family structure up together. Till one day he waited for me after my class and attacked me, both verbally and physically.At that point, I gave up.

   With my body and face full of bruises, I called my older brother asking for help. When he showed up, I hanged up to him and left the house. I got the divorce after a sever battle.

   I started to live my new life wondering around. It looked strange in my own eyes. I was abused, judged and accused by people, but I kept going on.

   It wasn't easy to face community as a divorced, mother of four, young and (veil-less) woman. I stood for myself.I faced it all alone.

   I spent all my money that I inherited  from my father to support myself while I was looking for a job.I finally got hired as an anchor at Ana TV,  a new satellite Egyptian channel. I went back to school and enrolled in AUC Master program for TV and Digital Journalism.

   All along that journey, I have been fighting my own curse, bad luck and lack of experience." Why is that happening?", I  keep asking myself, "why me?". My ex keeps my children with him, Im not meeting the standards for school, I am too much older than any other student in my class. I keep telling myself that it is never too late. I keep reminding myself that I can learn and move forward.

    However, when the channel that I work for announced that they want only (veiled) anchors, I was about to break down. It was either to wear veil or to loose my job. Again, I stood for myself and I chose my right to decide how I dress up and how I look. So,I am, currently, unemployed.

    What really gets me, is when I fail in my duties as a student. This is the last hope I am hanging to. I read a lot, I am trying my best to catch up with what I am missing and I am trying to meet my dead lines. Unfortunately, for the lack of studying life experience, I usually face bad incidents.

   School is my last hope and true value in life, besides my kids.I am taking my last chance in my Master program and I hope to God I won't fail this time.

   I am trying to be a good mother as well, even though I am parenting from a distance. I still remind myself every day that this is my life that I can control and improve.

    Finally, I decided to trim out the terms:( bad luck, unfortunate and curse) from my vocabulary. I f my efforts are not good enough, I will just improve them. I will always have faith.

Life is bright, promising and I see it through pink glasses, as the color of my new lap top.
:)